Ten ways to let go of the past...

1. Realize that the past is not real - Okay, here’s the inside scoop…the past is not real! You do not own a time machine and you are not capable of going through the exact same experience more than once. I know it may sound like I'm stating the bleeding obvious here but it needs to be said. When we are hooked into re-living the past what we are actually doing is re-playing internal memories of the past stored in our autobiographical memory. Re-playing these memories can generate feelings similar to how we felt when we had the experience but they are still only memories…movies we play inside our mind…they’re not the real thing. 

It’s a bit like going to a theme park and taking part in a rollercoaster simulator. We know it’s not the real thing but we act 'as if' it is. It’s perhaps not quite as intense but we still get some of the emotion and thrill we get when we are on an actual rollercoaster.

Getting lost in the past is a bit like going on a scary simulator and then forgetting it’s not the real thing. It’s like watching a really bad movie (like Taken 2), hating it and then going back to see it voluntarily several times a day. It doesn't make sense so why do it inside your mind?! (Apologies to Taken 2 fans but be honest, did it really merit a second instalment? :-) )

2. Realize that you are not your past but a product of how you've interpreted you past memories - It’s time to stop using your past experiences as an excuse. If you find yourself saying things like ‘I am this way because…’ (And then list a load of things that have happened to you) then stop it. Past experiences do not dictate who you are or who you turn out to be. Its how you have interpreted and continue to interpret those past experiences that count.

While some people clearly have advantages in terms of upbringing and support nothing is set in stone. For example, take three different people who were bullied as children. One could grow up to become a bully themselves, another could turn into a complete wallflower and the third could draw strength from it and start an anti bullying campaign. Three similar experiences all with drastically different outcomes because of how the individual interpreted the situation. The great thing is It’s up to you how you interpret the things that happen to you. As soon as you change the meaning you draw from your past experiences you change the way you feel and hence how you think and behave in the present.

3. Find the real learning - One way to help re-interpret past memories and let go of any negative emotions attached to them is to find the real learning. One of the main reasons we are still emotionally involved in our past memories is that we missed the real learning or created a misinformed opinion about what happened. We find ourselves in a situation where we haven’t yet developed the resources and/or skills to deal with it effectively and it affects us emotionally. These feelings are then attached to the memories to highlight a need for learning. If we miss the learning the feeling can linger on and create the urge to re-play the memory over and over in your mind. It’s almost like we do a kind of ‘peter pan syndrome’ thing on the experience. We grow up but the memory stays locked in time.

The main reason we feel negative emotions is to highlight that something needs attention and to tell us we need to make some kind of new learning. Recognise and take on board this learning and the memory with the bad feeling has served its purpose.

There are lots of practical ways to go back and find the learning. One quick way is to simply look back at the memory through older, wiser eyes and ask, “What was I really meant to learn from this experience?” When you get an answer make a pact with yourself to act on the new learning. You’ll be amazed how just doing that can completely release your association with the past memory (you might even start to feel good about it). Another technique is to go back and imagine you are a neutral observer. What advice would you give that younger you? What new information is now available to you now from this neutral place that transforms the memory of that experience?

4. Plan for the future - Ask yourself what you would like to do differently in the future as a result of the experience. Remember, the function of bad memories is to highlight that something has to be learned or addressed. Once you get a sense of what the new learning is allow your mind to drift off into the future and imagine taking on board this new learning. Notice how it positively impacts your life then look back from this place and realize the bad experience made this new learning possible. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've used this and how powerful it can be.

5. Use Humour – Humour is one of the most universal and useful emotions we have available to us. It can diffuse arguments almost in an instant, it can dissolve negative emotions nearly as fast. Here’s a quick trick you can use that will help neutralize any bad feelings you have attached to a memory.

• Allow the memory to come to mind until you start to feel bad.
• Now start playing silly music inside your mind as you play through the memory – Notice how this changes the feeling.
• Now imagine that everyone in the memory is wearing ballerina costumes and moving in time with the music.
• Keep playing about with the visual and auditory aspects of the memory until you find yourself laughing because of how bizarre and silly it is.
• Spend between 5-10 minutes laughing at how bizarre & silly the memory is.

6. Talk it over to someone - A lot of the time it can be very cathartic to let loose and just talk. Sometimes this alone can make the past seem a more pleasant place. (Please note this is not an excuse to wallow in self pity and become self indulgent. See it more as an occasional offload rather than a crutch)

7. Exercise, nutrition & sleep - It’s not just about the mind. Our overall physical health significantly affects our internal processes so the more you look after yourself the greater your capacity for mental health, the sharper you will be and the brighter the internal representation of your past, present and future become. The mind and body are intimately linked so anything good you do with your body will be reflected in your mind. Unless you are one of these individuals who are fine with just 6 hours sleep (this is such an alien concept to me I consider these people modern marvels of science!) then do your best to get 8 hours a night. Above all listen to your body, become attuned with how it feels...it can have a wisdom way beyond our conscious minds, ignore it at your peril.

8. Use the Past as a Resource - Actually it’s okay to get lost in the past every now and again. In fact it can be amazing providing you get lost in good memories. Keep a journal and record notes about all your successes, moments of passion, excitement and pleasure. Your memories can act as a pathway to good feelings, resources and enjoyable reminiscing so put them to good use. Take some time every now and again to vividly remember all the wonderful things you've experienced up to this point. We all need ways to keep ourselves entertained between experiences and going back to past pleasant memories is thoroughly enjoyable and does wonders for our happiness. Just remember life happens in the present so don’t get too lost.

9. Go to the toilet – Okay I put this one in as a bit of a joke. However regular bowel movements will help with your internal processing and overall sense of well being :-)

10. Seek Professionally help - If you are still struggling and it's significantly affecting your life then seek professional help. Providing the therapist or coach is skilled at their craft, NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and hypnosis are excellent ways to let go of the past and use it as a resource to move forward.

There are lots of other ways though...explore, give things a go you've maybe never tried before. If you always do what you've always done then....well, I think you know how that one ends.

Take Care

Steven Burns

NLP Trainer, Hypnotherapist & Coach

The Scottish Centre of NLP

info@scottishcentreofnlp.com
www.scottishcentreofnlp.com

A Sample Hypnosis script...

Enjoy this wee sample induction...Give it a go with friends or clients. It is purely for relaxation however uses many hypnotic language techniques...Just to make this fool proof…don’t read out the bits in italics!!

Take it slowly, use a nice relaxed pace and rhythm to your voice.  For best results, use the voice you'd use to send a child to sleep!

1. Now, I want you to just close your eyes and, as you do, begin to take long, slow, deep breaths... [take long, slow, deep breaths yourself.
2. [acknowledgement] ...Excellent, that's it...
3. ...As you begin to relax I want you to notice yourself becoming warm, comfortable and relaxed...warm, comfortable and relaxed...
4. [acknowledgement]... that's it, very good...
5. ...now, just imagine...if relaxation was a colour...imagine what colour it would be...it might be a deep, deep purple...or maybe a rich, luxurious green...or even a peaceful, perfect white...and you can decide now exactly what colour you want relaxation to be now...
6. [acknowledgement]...that's it...
7. ...imagine that colour beginning to spread....from the most relaxed place on your body...and feel it beginning to spread...that's it...all the way from the top of your head...to the tip of your toes...warm, comfortable and relaxed...imagine what that would look like...and imagine how relaxed you now feel...if warm, comfortable relaxation was now inside...every cell...of your body...
8. [acknowledgement]...excellent...
9. ...and...as you imagine that deep...deep...relaxation now...that's it...just allow the sound of my voice....and the relaxing music...to take you just a little further so that...you now feel...so wonderfully relaxed...that you can let all your stresses....just fall away...
10. [acknowledgement]...excellent... that's it.... [repeat for about 30 seconds]
11. [slowly begin bringing your voice back to normal speaking rhythm and tone over this whole paragraph]...now holding onto those wonderful feelings...of relaxation...and peace...I want you to start simply following my voice...all the way back out...all the way back here again...and soon you will begin...to be able to feel your fingers and your toes...and hear the music and the sounds of the room...and as soon as you are ready I want you to open your eyes,coming all the way back into the room...[repeat 'I want you to open your eyes,coming all the way back into the room' as many times as necessary until client all the way back]

Have fun with it, you'll be amazed how easy it is to induce trance.

Steven Burns

NLP Trainer, Hypnotherapist & Coach

The Scottish Centre of NLP

www.scottishcentreofnlp.com

info@scottishcentreofnlp.com

The Top 3 Myths of hypnosis...

Look into my eyes, look into my eyes...and sleep! You are now under my complete control and will do everything I say...

It’s funny how, when you ask people about their opinion on hypnosis, you get a lot of responses that are close to or in some way related to this.

I first trained as a hypnotherapist when I was 22 and ever since then, when I've told people about it, I've had some pretty weird looks and often some even weirder questions.

The all time most popular question from the men (usually asked in a kind of ‘half joking, half serious way’) has to be: “Can you use hypnosis to get girls into bed?!” Closely followed by a genuine request to ‘Make Darren dance like a chicken’ (Act like a tumble drier is one of the stranger ones)

My female friends tend to ask a lot more intelligent questions...Usually ones involving the practical applications like relaxation, weight loss and confidence while remarking how fascinating a subject it is.

However, I did get asked by one woman at a party if I had ‘brought my watch with me’ because she would ‘love it if I made her stop eating!’ I said I could but asked if she realized that stopping eating would in fact lead eventually to death!”

She looked at me kind of strangely and re-stated with complete conviction that she really needed to stop and I had free reign do my ‘voodoo magic’ on her...

I think the general perception of hypnosis has improved a lot over the years but there are still lots of misconceptions about what it actually is and how it works. Stage hypnosis certainly doesn't help but I think it would be a bit rich to criticize given that the high level of intrigue surrounding it is probably one of the biggest factors in making hypnosis so widely recognised.

It does lead to a lot of misinterpretations about hypnosis though that can sometimes get in the way when you are either working with a client or training people how to use it.

Here are what I consider to be the 3 main myths of Hypnosis and hypnotic trance. Hopefully it will clear things up a bit and help give you a better understanding into what is, in my opinion,  one of the most useful therapeutic and personal development tools we have available.

Myth number 1 - When you are in a hypnotic trance you are zapped, zonked out or in some weird unnatural state.

This is perhaps a favourite...That idea that when you are hypnotised you ‘get put under’ and that you are in some weird, zonked out state of mind as if your brain has been stopped in some way. The truth is hypnosis can feel a little strange (in a very pleasant way) but it is by no means unnatural.

Hypnotic trance is a perfectly natural state that we go in and out of at various different times of the day. It can often be like a ‘deep daydream’ or similar to the feeling you get when you becoming so absorbed in what you’re doing (like reading a book, watching a movie or playing a video game). An hour can go past and it feels like it’s only been ten minutes, people can walk past you and you don’t notice them and the world around you can almost feel like it’s disappeared because you’re so engaged in what you were doing.

There are lots of different examples of ‘naturally occurring’ trances we experience on a day to day basis. For example, have you ever driven your car on a routine destination (perhaps to your work) and then, when you arrive, you can’t fully remember how you got there? You don’t consciously remember every turn, road sign and roundabout but you know you managed to navigate the journey safely. Perhaps you kind of went into auto pilot or maybe even a little daydream while at the same time feeling comfortable that you didn't have to have your full conscious attention on the road. We all experience this from time to time, sometimes everyday and it’s a common example of when we drop into a hypnotic trance.

A more comical example is the ‘elevator trance’ (one that I frequently succumb to). You step into an elevator, punch in your floor number and patiently wait for your destination to arrive...The doors open and you walk out only to notice that you are, in fact, on the wrong floor! The turn back round with your tail between your legs (while checking to see if anyone noticed) and head back in the lift.

It’s an understandable opinion that hypnosis is a weird, unnatural state of mind but it is utterly misinformed and untrue. It’s a perfectly natural, enjoyable and useful state of mind that we all go into at various times of the day and the hypnotist’s job is to guide the person into this state of mind, deepen it and then put forward suggestions so that they get the changes they want.

Myth number 2 - The hypnotist had complete control and can get you to do things you don’t want to do.

Again this is a common myth that can often concern people when you mention hypnosis and one that is definitely born from stage hypnosis. Let me be clear about this...hypnosis is very powerful and can most definitely influence people to change deeply held emotions, behaviours and mind sets. However, the power it has is held by the hypnotic subject rather than the hypnotist.

There’s that phrase we often use that ‘there is no such thing as hypnosis only guided self hypnosis’ which is very accurate about what really goes in the trance process. As a hypnotist you are a guide that helps the hypnotic subject through an exploration of their own mind to find different ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.

You may be thinking though - ‘Well that’s all fine and dandy but what about stage hypnosis?’ ‘Surely that gets people to do things they don’t want to do?!’ Well, I know it seems that way but the truth is a bit different. The hypnotic subjects know fine well what they are getting themselves into when they volunteer.

They know it’s an entertainment show, a performance and that they are going to be asked to do things they wouldn't normally do. By walking on the stage and volunteering they are essentially saying ‘I am okay with this’ at a subconsciously level and possibly a conscious one. Stage hypnotists also go through something called a ‘selection process’ where they work their way down from a large number of volunteers to just a handful. This process is designed to highlight the ones who are highly suggestible and deep down feel the most comfortable with going along with pretty much everything the hypnotist says. There are also a lot of other psychological factors involved such as crowd psychology that add to what is already a very persuasive hypnotic environment.

The kind of hypnosis that is used on a one to one basis shares some similarities but is not the same.

Essentially the subject is the one who makes the shifts and changes and the hypnotist acts as a guide. The more skilful a guide you are the better a hypnotist you are...The trick is to weave your words in such a way that the person being hypnotized attaches their own meanings and reaches their own solutions as opposed to you ‘just telling them to do something’. It’s a highly skilled craft and can be truly mesmerizing to watch and listen to when it’s done well.

Myth number 3 - Not everyone can be hypnotized...

This one has probably been covered already indirectly but I think it still merits its own mention. I'm not exactly sure when and where this popular myth was created but I think it may have come from a time when the main style of hypnosis was ‘Authoritarian hypnosis’. This is where you are very direct about how you induce trance and give suggestions for changing behaviours, emotions and mind sets. This type of hypnosis can work with a small percentage of people and is certainly worth doing as part of the hypnotic process but if it’s the only approach you have then there will be a large number of people who will not respond. (Both in going in trance and making changes)

Modern day hypnosis is about utilizing the hypnotic subject’s experience of the world to guide them into trance and then allow them to explore further. It’s about recognising that trance is a naturally occurring state and that everyone goes in and out it at some point during the day. Given the discovery that trance is, in fact, not some weird unnatural state this myth should really be confined to the bin.

People are often a bit confused, however, after they are hypnotized as to whether they were in fact in trance. Some will even convince themselves that they weren't because it didn't feel that much different than relaxation, meditation or being in a daydream. This is more of a reflection on public perception of what trance is than the reality. Because trance is something we have all experienced then it does feel similar to experiences we have already had. That doesn't make it any less useful though it just leads to people mistakenly jumping to the conclusion that they ‘ couldn't get put under!’

For more information on hypnosis feel free to comment and.or get in touch. We're always happy to chat about it.

Steven Burns

NLP Trainer & Coach

The Scottish Centre of NLP

info@scottishcentreofnlp.com

Always keep your Expectations low!

Okay, probably not the kind of blog post title you’d expect from a personal development and NLP training company so let me explain...

Last week I began to ‘believe’ again...I began to ‘believe’ in something that had lay dormant inside me for what seemed like an eternity...

Something that had been bubbling under the surface waiting to come out...Something that had desperately wanted to come out but, up until that point, had been skilfully suppressed.

I was sitting watching the Scotland v Wales Football 2014 World Cup Qualification match and I could feel it start to well up inside me....The national pride, the excitement and above all, the expectation of what this could potential mean. Scotland were 1-0 with 15 minutes to play...Looking comfortable...

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

I sat with a cool beer basking in the glory of the imminent Scottish victory, opening up to the possibility that ‘just maybe’ we could qualify for our first major championships since 1998.

What an idiot :-) I really should know better! 15 minutes later (after 2 goals by Gareth Bale) the dream lay in tatters. I felt like a dog that had been lured into a room with a pile of doggie biscuits only to suddenly find out that I was actually at the vets!

Fast forward to Tuesday and, following their 2-0 defeat to Belgium, the final nail was firmly driven into Scotlands' qualifying campaign.

A funny thing happens when we raise our expectations. We suddenly have something to lose! Disappointment does indeed require adequate planning.

Now I know you’re probably thinking that I've lost my mind here or that I'm suggesting you don’t set high standards for yourself.

It’s okay my mind is fully intact and I’m not advocating that you just ‘settle’ for mediocrity or worse.

The problem with setting expectations happens when we start to create one with something that is outside our sphere of influence. 

If I'm running a training course then I have a large amount of influence over how it goes...I don’t have complete control and never will but i have enough of an influence to have high expectations.

But I had absolutely no say whatsoever in the outcome of the Scotland match.

Unless you believe Yuri Geller’s story that he once influenced the outcome of the Scotland V England Match with the power of his mind while flying over the stadium in a helicopter, there’s nothing any of us could have done to affect the outcome of that match (outwith perhaps the crowd at Hampden).

It was up to the players and the managers...They were responsible, not me.

So if you think about it, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to raise your expectations for something you don’t have influence or control over. In fact, when you do, you put yourself in a pretty vulnerable position. It could pay off but it can also backfire (as my foul mood for the rest of the night can testify).

Of course with sport, for some people, the elation of the occasional victory or the drama of not knowing is enough to merit the potential consequences. I totally get that but what about the other areas of your life and how is it affecting your stress levels and general happiness?

Do you have expectations in your personal life that are almost completely out of your sphere of influence?

What about your job?
Your business if you have one?
Or your relationships?

It’s a big cause of stress for a lot of people when they start building expectations with something they have no or very little control or influence over...

Have a think about it, where in your life do you do this? And what would it be like if you just let go of the need to control the things that are quite obviously outside of your control.

Disappointment does require adequate panning but it’s also a product of inadequate planning. 
You know it makes sense.

Steven Burns

NLP Trainer & Coach

The Scottish Centre of NLP

NLP Training Scotland

info@scottishcentreofnlp.com

Yeh he’s a great dancer...I’d like to break his legs.

One of the things i love to do most in the world is to dance (please no Billy Elliot jokes or references to the ‘Aviva’ advert:-))

It’s a recent passion of mine but one that has really grabbed me, almost to the point of obsession, over the past 2 years...

A couple of months ago I was in a Latin bar in Edinburgh unwinding after a busy week and i started watching one of the local Cuban dance teachers dancing next to the bar. I don’t know if you've ever seen a professional Cuban dancer dance but it’s pretty incredible. The way they isolate certain parts of the body (with hardly any body tension) and the immense style and ‘coolness’ they ooze from every pour can be truly mesmerizing...It’s a thing of beauty at times.

I turned round to an older guy who was standing next to me and said “Wow, he’s great, i love watching him dance!” He looked at me and said “Yeh you’re right but personally I’d like to break his legs!”

He was half joking and a little bit serious at the same time...

Jealousy is such a common emotion. It’s one we all, as humans, experience at some point in our lives in varying degrees.

From the twinge in our stomach when someone gets that promotion we deep down wanted to the uncontrollable, incredible hulk like, fist pounding monster that can rear its head when we think someone is trying to steal our partner...

It’s there...and there’s not many of us (if any) that can say they've never experienced it in some form. The question is: What actually causes it and is it something we can eliminate, control, influence or only manage?

When we talk about jealousy we often shine the spotlight on relationships. The resentful suspicion people feel when they think their partner is attracted to or involved with someone else.

This often gets the front seat when it comes to jealousy but there’s more...

There’s workplace jealousy, social jealousy and jealousy in business. You may have different labels for these (eg envy) but, in my opinion, they are all examples of jealousy (albeit containing different emotional intensities)

At the extreme jealousy can be horribly ugly. From bullying and spreading false rumours in the playground to bitching behind peoples back at work and believing in delusional imagined scenarios of cheating wives and husbands.

Jealousy is, of course, not a real thing...We can’t go down to the shops and buy a lump of jealousy nor can we go to the doctors and get a pill that removes all the jealousy. Jealousy is a nominalisation...A process that we've turned into a thing (or a verb we've turned into a noun).

It’s also an abstract concept that will vary from person to person in both definition and intensity and people will often have their own labels and distinctions.

It’s a bit of a simplified version but, for me, there are two main types of jealousy:

1. Where you are ‘feeling’ or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages.
2. Where you think someone is trying to steal your partner or where you think that your partner is involved with someone else. (Whether it’s true or not)

Now I know on the surface level these two appear different. However, when you look a bit closer, they’re a lot more similar than what you first think. That, deep down, they are very much from the same family...

It might not seem like it at first glance but both these experiences are fuelled by a common driving force.

The driving force of ‘sexual selection’...

‘Sexual selection’ is a special type of Charles Darwin’s ‘Natural selection’. It’s an organism's ability to obtain (often by any means necessary!) or successfully copulate with a mate.

It’s not the complete picture obviously but ‘sexual selection’ is at the heart of jealousy.

Think about it...If you’re a woman would you be more inclined to be jealous of a man who is successful (and likes to flaunt it) or a woman who demonstrates the same? Would you be more likely to be jealous of a man who walks into a room and appears to ‘have it all’ and gets all the attention or of a woman?

I’ll pose the same question to the men...If the above scenario was true for you who would you be more inclined to be jealous of?

Most of the time (although not always) in the first scenario the woman will be attracted to the successful man and more inclined to be jealous of the woman.

In the second, the man would usually be more inclined to find a way to ‘bring the man down to earth’ than they would the woman. ‘Who does he think he is showing off like that anyway!’ is an often common response.

The man may feel attracted to the woman but will often feel a bit threatened by her power and strength. (Depending, of course, on the strength and confidence of the man)

Sexual selection rewards those who stand out as ‘special’ within their gender. The prettiest, the most handsome, the strongest, the most skilled, the most intelligent. the funniest, those with the highest level of social status generally have the most opportunities when it comes to spreading their genes.

It works kind of like a scale. The people we perceive to be higher up the scale of value will usually be the ones we become attracted to.

So it actually makes perfect sense, at an evolutionary level, for us to feel a jealous twinge when someone else is doing well…Especially if it’s within our social, work or professional circles and even more especially if they are flaunting it! At a primitive level they are essentially ‘out Pea cocking’ you.

When someone is hogging the limelight, at a primal level, they are an indirect threat to our potential for sexual selection.

This more often than not comes from someone who is the same sex as us but it doesn't have to. A competitor who is doing really well in the same line of work as you (and is of the opposite sex) can still be perceived as an indirect threat to your chances of sexual selection and trigger a jealous response.

By being successful they are standing out more and, as a result, you may jump to the conclusion that it means you stand out less.

There’s also the type of jealousy we experience when we think our mate is attracted to or involved with someone else. This is usually a lot more intense than the first type and is normally the one we think of first when we mention the word jealousy.

This can be dramatic! It’s often where the bubbling, jealous rage inside of us explodes in the form of shouting, fist pounding and sometimes violence.

A lot of people think that, because this is a more intense experience than feeling envious of someone, then it’s a completely different thing. I don’t think it is. The main difference for me is that in one there is a direct threat to our sexual selection and in the other there is an indirect threat.

This is the reason for the difference in intensity...At a deep, evolutionary level however, it’s still triggered by the same basic primal instinct.

And this, for me, is why I believe that jealousy will always be part of your life in some shape or form whether you like it or not.

Of, course how we interpret this jealousy is the fascinating part. That’s the part we can actually change. 

We could perhaps decide that, because someone is perceived as higher value than us, that means we have to up our game...and that we now have a wonderful example of how it can be done. Or maybe we've misinterpreted the situation or being too critical of our own qualities.

We could maybe even see it as a subtle sign that there is something on the inside that needs addressed or changed or just use it to highlight that something is important to us.

With the more direct threats to our sexual selection...maybe you've caught yourself imagining false scenarios of your partner cheating on you or leaving you and decide to stop doing it or figure out what’s causing you to do it in the first place.

There are lots of ways to look at any situation and there’s a strong element of everything in life that is malleable and can be changed.

That’s one of the great things about NLP. Even though we often feel the effects of evolution we’re no longer animals in the forest. We can change our interpretation of things, experiences and events. Just don’t feel you have to eliminate it completely from your life. This is a utopian vision that some people will try and sell you which will undoubtedly appeal to the control freak within but it’s one that has no basis what so ever in truth.

All the best

Steven Burns
NLP Trainer & Coach
The Scottish Centre of NLP
www.scottishcentreofnlp.com
info@scottishcentreofnlp.com

I wish my life was as cool as my Facebook page says it is!

I love Facebook...I really do...I think it's one of the most powerful inventions since the internet.

It's changed the face of sales, marketing and how we connect socially on a day to day basis...it's immensely powerful. I had a chat with a friend the other day about it (who is about as anti-facebook as you get) and he went on a tirade about how it was 'the scourge of the 21st century' and that it should be called 'anti-social networking' because it moved people away from actually connecting 'in the flesh'.

He kind of had a point although his argument was completely one sided...I mentioned to him about all the good things that Facebook has to offer from a business perspective and how it can, in fact, help people connect more. I even told him a story how my little cousin used Facebook's photograph tagging system to trace back and locate someone who had attacked him on a night out in Edinburgh (the evidence was used by police and the attacker was subsequently charged). He wasn't budging an inch, though, and was adamant that Facebook is like some 'modern day cyber plague!'

One point we did agree on though was how interesting 'the psychology behind people's Facebook profiles' was...The notion that people like to 'be seen in a particular way ' on Facebook and why so many people appear to use Facebook as some vehicle for living out their personal fantasies of who they think they 'should be'...

Now I am mind reading massively here...There's no way of knowing for sure the motivation behind peoples profiles and posts...However it doesn't take a genius to notice the stark differences between many people's 'Facebook/on-line personalities' and their 'actual personalities'. I've met many people who are ferocious bordering on aggressive when on-line and then consistently sit on the fence when they are around people in person...People who are hugely confident when replying to posts and designing their profile but are shy as a mouse in company.

It's fascinating when you think about it...What is it about social media that gives us permission to be a certain way that we normally wouldn't in the real world? There definitely appears to be a set of 'social norms' for real world interaction and a different set of 'social norms' for cyber interaction.

Facebook's photograph and timeline system is equally if not more interesting. How many times have you jumped to conclusions about how amazing and interesting someone's life is because of their Facebook photos only to find, when you meet them in person, their actually quite dull?! On one hand we probably jump to conclusions too quickly but on the other there is a definite trend towards people projecting a 'snap shot' image of their life that is dramatically different to the reality...

The question I'm curious about though is this: 'What's stops people from being the way they are on-line with real life social situations?'

And also, what stops people from living as cool and interesting a life as their Facebook page suggests? 

If someone is confident on-line but not in the outside world they have, in fact, demonstrated that they already have inside of them what they need...

If someone is projecting a dramatically different representation on-line of how interesting their life is when deep down it has gaping holes of emptiness in it (excuse the dramatic description :-)) then maybe it's nice little signal to start addressing the areas that need addressed.

Facebook is a wonderful concept and I love it...At the same time I have to agree in some part with my friend that it can also often be used as a bit of crutch...to cover up some of the areas that deep down we know probably need addressing.

Have a good one

Steve

The deafening sound of Quite Confidence...

The word confidence conjures up different things for different people. It’s a clichéd view shared by many that if you’re not thrusting your chest out, standing tall and being the life and sole of every party then you’re not confident. I'm sure it’s true for some people but a lot of the time it can actually be the opposite...

I find it’s the people who genuinely don’t ‘feel the need’ to be the centre of attention all the time that are usually the ones that are the most confident. They probably could be if they wanted but they don’t constantly require the need for social validation. It’s nice when they get it but they don’t need it to ‘just be okay’...

Confidence obviously comes in many shapes and forms and there are, of course, people who are loud and gregarious and are also very confident...But if you’re not one of those ‘extrovert’ types then that doesn't mean you’re not or can’t be confident.

It just means you can have your own special type of confidence.

We even have a name for this...It’s called ‘Quiet confidence’...

Quite confidence is a wonderful thing to develop. It’s a deep internal sense of worth and certainty that emanates outwards. It doesn't require much (if any) validation from the outside world. It’s the deep acknowledgement of how worthwhile and valuable your personality is and it’s one of the most important things you can cultivate through time.

In fact, I'm often more than a little suspicious of someone who seems to be trying just too hard to impress. I know a lot of people buy into it but I've often found that their putting so much effort in because they crave the social validation...they need it!

Whereas when you deeply recognise your achievements, your qualities (even the small ones) and start to explore all the reasons why you’re amazing irrespective of what other people think then you don’t need anywhere near as much validation and you don’t have to ‘try and be confident’.

There’s a phrase that’s often banded about in self help books that says you have to ‘Fake it until you make it’. Where you pretend to be confident or happy or relaxed and then eventually you’ll develop the neural pathways and start to be that way.

That’s certainly one way of building confidence but personally I think its closer to the truth that you ‘Fake it until you suddenly realise that you had it all a long’

It’s like the in the film ‘The Wizard of Oz’. Dorothy travels to the Emerald city with her three new friends (the scarecrow, the lion and the tin man) to find the fabled Wizard of Oz so she can return to Kansas. On her travels each of her new friends reveals a ‘personality deficit’ that they believe they have. The tin man believes he doesn't have a heart, the scarecrow a brain and the lion thinks he is missing courage.

On their way to Oz, though, they all start to demonstrate the qualities they mistakenly think they do not have. The Scarecrow comes up with several good ideas, the Tin Man is kind and sympathetic, and the Lion, though terrified, is ready to face danger.

It’s not that they lacked those qualities...it’s that they had just temporarily forgot and needed re-convincing.

Personally, i believe the same is true for confidence. You can always become more confident but you’re doing yourself an injustice to say you’re not.

In Psychotherapy there’s something called a repressed memory. A concept used to describe a memory or collection of memories that have become unavailable for recall, for whatever reason...

Well I believe in repressed confidence. Everyone has enough things in their past and present to make them realise they are confident. It’s just they've been ignoring them up until now.

I mean think about it...If you were to sort through the last ten years of your past and write down every success you've had (no matter how small) you’d be writing for a long time. The fact you've made it this point in life is a huge success in itself. You learned to speak, to walk, to talk, to go to school amongst the many other successful experiences you've had.

We've all had many successful experiences...the problem is we often don’t give ourselves credit for them enough...And by giving credit i don’t mean boasting to everyone you meet...I mean going inside and re-living them...re-experiencing them and feeling the feelings you felt at the time and how successful and valuable that makes you feel.

I call this process ‘The Personal Trophy room’ and it ‘something i recommend my clients do and I regularly do it myself.

Here’s a quick condensed version for you to play about with...When done often it can make a profound impact on your levels of happiness, your success and most of all start to raise the volume of your ‘Quite Confidence’...

The Personal Trophy Room (takes about 20 minutes)

1. Go back inside your mind and think of the first success you remember having. It could be pre-school, during or after.
2. Write this success down on a piece of paper or a journal.
3. Now think of the next success chronologically you had following that. Write this down as well.
4. Continue to write down all your successes (even the small ones) in chronological order up to the present day.
5. Once you have your list close your eyes and re-live each of the successes one after the other as if each one is happening after the last.
6. Once you have re-experienced them all imagine being in your future with this new found sense of confidence.
7. Enjoy for as long as you like.

All the best

Steven Burns

NLP Trainer & coach

The Scottish Centre of NLP

www.scottishcentreofnlp.com

info@scottishcentreofnlp.com