The Social Chameleon inside of us...

Are you a Social Chameleon?

I know I was...and there’s still a bit inside of me that still is. It’s not a problem for me now but it certainly used to be.

The Social Chameleon exists in most if not all of us...The Social Chameleon is a master at self change in the eyes of others. When faced with a social situation the primary drive of a ‘Social Chameleon’ is to change themselves just to ‘fit in with the crowd’ so that they can be ‘deemed worthy of acceptance’. The Social Chameleon doesn’t appear to have any of their own beliefs and values, they just adopt those of the people around them. The Social Chameleon can appear very friendly and you can warm to them quickly because they are matching and mirroring your behaviour and sometimes even your identity.

You think…wow! I like this person because they are just like me.

As time goes on though, and the relationship develops, you begin to notice that the Social Chameleon doesn’t just change themselves around you…They do it with nearly everyone!

Bit by bit you begin to suspect that they are ‘just saying those nice things’ to get on with you, not because they actually mean them. As you start to see more and more examples of how they constantly change the very essence of their identity depending on who they are with you doubt more and more the validity and truth in what they are saying…In essence it’s like the door to door salesmen who looks at your living room and says “wow, this is the nicest living room I’ve ever seen!” Deep down you don’t really believe that he isn’t saying it just to aid the sale…

Of course, I’m painting an extreme picture here. The reality is there are many shades of grey when it comes to the Social Chameleon. In a nutshell the Social Chameleon inside of us arises when we feel ‘the need’ to change aspects of ourselves (beliefs, attitudes, values, world views) just to fit in with the crowd and be okay…

This is, of course, not always a bad thing. Sometimes it’s useful (and often essential) to play a bit of a Social Chameleon role to succeed at some of the many games of life. The problem occurs when we forget we’re playing a game and do it to seek constant social validation.

Being able to match and mirror a person’s communication style is obviously very important and essential for getting on in life but when we are doing it to the detriment of our own values, beliefs & personality we lose the power of being unique.

The key is balance...Being able to present your unique and special way of being and looking at the world while still maintaining a strong base of familiarity...It's about being able to blend your way of looking at the world with those around you.

It can be tricky for sure...and the urge is often there to change fundamental aspects of our personality just to fit in especially in situations that are new or challenging...

Just remember, though, it’s our uniqueness and difference that stands us apart from others...The world needs you as you are and how you contribute in a way that no-one else can and one of the best gifts you can give yourself is to allow that to breathe...

Steven Burns
The Scottish Centre of NLP
Training NLP in Scotland